In marriage, one of the most common causes of fights is
the topic of sex. While there is a whole host of intimacy issues that
couples fight about, the most common disagreement occurs over how often
sex is (or isn't) happening.
You'd think that a simple fight once
in awhile wouldn't hurt anything, but for some reason, fights about sex
often get nasty. The high desire partner (the one who wants intimacy
more often) feels unloved or disregarded, and these feelings amplify
each time another sexual advance is rejected by the low desire partner
(the one who wants intimacy less). At the same time, the low desire
partner often feels pressured, controlled and objectified. A couple will
often continue in this cycle of hurt, and these feelings damage the
marriage.
With
all these problems that come with intimacy, a lot of people wonder why
sex is so important anyway. After all, you might have a perfect marriage
if you didn't fight about it so much. Well, there are several reasons
it's important. Here are three:
1. It's makes you a couple
Sex is
something you share with your partner that you don't share with anyone
else. Sure, you can talk to your spouse about what a rotten day you had
at work or how you feel inadequate as a parent, but you can also talk to
your friends or parents about those things. You can't have sex with
anyone besides your spouse, however. As a result, intimacy truly sets
you and your partner apart as a couple. If you're not being close to
your partner in this way, the two of you may become less like a couple
and more like roommates.
2. It is a unique expression of intimacy
Yes, you
can hug and kiss your partner to show your love, but you also do those
things to your mother, your cousin and even your friends. You can call
your partner "sweetie" or "honey," but your spouse shares those titles
with your children. Sex is a unique expression of intimacy that happens
only with your spouse. It's an expression of love, romance and passion
that exceeds a simple hug or kiss. Both you and your partner need that
special expression of intimacy to feel truly loved.
3. It creates deeper conversations and brings couples closer
Intimacy
requires communication - but not just any old "how was your day?" kind
of communication. It takes a much more open, vulnerable and deep kind of
interaction. The things you say to your partner during intimacy are
much more personal than a discussion about what a tough day you had at
work. You tell your partner what you like. You let your partner know how
best to love you in a way that is much more personal than asking your
partner to please you by taking out the trash, for example. Sex brings
you much, much closer.
When
couples come to me for counseling over difficulties with intimacy,
they're sometimes surprised that I don't focus on specific details or
the number of times they engage in sex per week. What's more important
is making sure that sex becomes an intimate experience that brings both
partners together. If this isn't happening, then the marriage isn't
really happy.
Instead of arguing about intimacy and creating more
distance, couples need to learn to really communicate feelings. Husbands
and wives need to be open to hearing what their spouses want, feel and
need. This is not only a recipe for a healthy sex life, but it's the
recipe for a great marriage.
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