9 Things Not to Do When Receiving a Blow Job
1. Come without warning.
There's no way it sneaks up on you that quickly. I don't believe you.
Even
if you don't realize it until you're going to come in 0.01 seconds,
saying, "I'm coming!" will give her 0.01 seconds to close the back of
her throat and avoid choking on Niagara Balls.
2. Push on her head like you're trying to dunk her at the lake house.
People have gag reflexes. You may never have shoved a large object back
into your throat, but if you did, you'd know that she is probably
focusing really hard on not gagging the whole time, just for your
pleasure. Put it this way: Would you rather face-fuck her or not get
thrown up on? I feel like probably the latter. Her head is not a sex
toy.
3. Fail to make sure your dick meets a respectable level of cleanliness.
"Freshening up" isn't just a lady thing. If you've been walking around
accumulating ball sweat all day and now you want a blow job, visit the
bathroom and splash some water around down there. Don't make her inhale
your funky sack.
4. SILENCE. Dirty
talk. Groan. Say you like that or suggest she play with your balls.
Literally any noise you make is better than just sitting there in
complete silence, leaving the gross suctiony noises ringing in her ears.
5. Let it keeeep draggiiiiinngggg onnnnnnn.
Some guys have a hard time coming from blow jobs. Some guys just came
and now they're getting a blow job and they're lasting forever. If you
see her shifting positions or developing lockjaw, for the love of god,
suggest you switch to doggy-style or something. Also, women, if you're
starting to cramp, you too can and should suggest doing something else.
6. Say "suck my dick."
Even if you're saying it to literally ask for a blow job, it has
aggressive and insulting connotations. Ask nicely. Might I
suggest: "Will you go down on me?"
7. Expect her to swallow.
Cum doesn't always taste bad, but it doesn't exactly taste like a
caramel vanilla latte either. It's actually more like throat-coat tea.
In that it sticks to your throat. In conclusion: Swallowing cum is not
the world's most pleasant experience. If she doesn't want to do it, what
do you care? You already came.
8. Act like you're entitled to a BJ.
No. You're not. If she happens to want to give you one when you want
it, lucky you and I suggest you reciprocate. If she doesn't, move on. In
the words of Michael Bublé: Don't be a baby.
9. Refuse to go down on her.
You don't have to keep score like, "OK, it's the bottom of the ninth,
and I've had three triples and you've only had one double and one
triple, so I guess I'm up to bat," but don't be the guy who is always on
that blow job tip and then will not even introduce himself to a vulva.
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